[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
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Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
is this a threat
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
This guy’s not having it 😆
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them