[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
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