[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things