me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
You Might Also Like
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”