[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?