Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
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I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Air conditioning – not a fan
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
podcasts
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here