[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
no such thing as a dumb question
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call