[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Well, that should do it
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Good morning, Twitter 😊