[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.