[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
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IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Actually cracking up @ this
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Why does laundry happen to good people?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.