[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
dictator is short for richard potato
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
how high up are we talkin’?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma