The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
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*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
barbara was highly relatable
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.