[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.