[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.