[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
You Might Also Like
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Not messing around