[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.