[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday