Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
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“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My blood type is coffee.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I will never stop laughing at this
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.