@5oulhealer: My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at. Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Cause it was stuck on the chicken's foot!

@Dutch_50: Doctor: You have acute alcoholism. Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it's not very cute in the morning.

@nbadag: [christmas eve] SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus! ME: listen kiddo, about santa SON: yea? ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig SON: what ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

@RightOJack: My GF spent $49 on a haircut. Had she gone to Petsmart she'd have gotten an ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free bandana as well.

@Brampersandon_: ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway* PILOT (over intercom): we'll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way