Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.