[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
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Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.