[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick