[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Herpes is trending, good job people
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.