[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes