[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
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I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
*serious situation*
My brain:
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.