@Sarcasticsapien: Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I'm going to prison.

@theshamingofjay: Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus

@Steelers1972: I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

@cbdoubleu: [Arouses Suspicion] Suspicion: I don't want to ruin our friendship.

@RickAaron: This grocery store is playing "Freebird" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.