[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
You Might Also Like
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
i did the math
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Beware of fowl play.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.