[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Kids: Stay in school.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.