[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.