[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
do what now??
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
i dont have time for this
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.