[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
best review i’ve ever seen
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.