[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My plans: 2020:
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
But that’s none of my business
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time