Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
You Might Also Like
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…