[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Check your privilege
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals