[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Not all heroes wear capes…
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.