[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes