[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
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[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
A friend helps you before you need it
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.