[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My favorite female superhero
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.