[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
You Might Also Like
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob