Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
You Might Also Like
Taking phone security to the next level.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
🔦🌙👣
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.