[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
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Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
the red hot silly peppers
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Ain’t no way
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.