[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.