[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
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My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
plums roundup
I will never stop laughing at this
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again