[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint