Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
*watches the world burn*
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted