Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
That’s classic.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters