[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs