[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced