It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
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“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior