[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
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Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Oh thanks BBC.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
huge if true: the moon
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.