[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
so weird how every mom was born today
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no