[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s